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Post by bluebird on Feb 9, 2019 15:32:48 GMT -5
Immaterial Evidence
My grove
of bamboo
isn't making
any noise.
Yet I turn to it,
sure I thought
I heard
sylph-like
confessions
whispered
there
among leaves.
No? Then what
is stirring them?
A red tailed hawk
flies crying, tearing
though blue sky
above.
KAH
apologies to anyone who spent time considered yesterday's draft. May I be forgiven?
My old dog is finally dying and this distracts my mind.
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Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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Post by Jimmy on Feb 10, 2019 16:54:02 GMT -5
Karen, no need to ask for forgiveness and I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. I know how heart wrenching that can be as I watched my parents go through it last year.
What interests me most about your poem is the inclusion of sylphs. I feel so ignorant about mythology although Gerry is prompting me forward from that. So, I’d never heard of a sylph before. Neat to learn about those spirits of the air. How fascinating to imagine catching one in a tree. I’m also intrigued about what they might be confessing. I like your ending image of the hawk and think it is well described. I picture the confessions of sylphs to be soft, almost like a murmur which contrasts interestingly with the violence of the hawk image. You might leverage that tension a little more and see where it goes. Nice draft!
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Post by betsey on Feb 10, 2019 17:02:11 GMT -5
First, I'm sorry about your dog. It's amazing you put forward one draft, to say nothing of two.
I keep trying to relate the title to your poem. Immaterial can mean - not material, or spiritual (like a sylph, probably) or irrelevant, in which case it's a bit hard to relate. So I assume you mean spiritual. Maybe the ambivalence is ok.
So what is immaterial? The confession, hawk screams?
This seems to be the challenge of WCW and such terse verse. To bring the images together in such short order. Perhaps another image would help tie things together? And perhaps revisit the title? It's just a bit vague to me. Abstraction works against meaning, here.
Having tried this imitation myself, I realize the challenge!
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Post by lildawnrae on Feb 10, 2019 20:43:07 GMT -5
Hi Karen, I'm so sorry your old dog is reaching his end. That's a sad time. I didn't read the first draft of your poem, but I liked this one very much. The use of the senses--what is heard, not heard, the movement of the leaves and the energy of the hawk. It reads a bit like a little erotic poem disguised in nature imagery.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
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Post by linm on Feb 11, 2019 16:49:51 GMT -5
Hi Karen
So sorry about your dog; it's a heartbreaking time to go through.
Like Betsey, I also wondered about the title. "Immaterial" suggests spiritual. But also,"material evidence" is evidence that is pertinent to a case, that is a sign of what happened. I took "immaterial evidence" to mean evidence / signs that may not mean anything, or may mean something. It's mysterious, and that works. I thought perhaps you could just feel there were confessions whispered -- no sylphs needed. You might also consider whether the question is needed. Maybe just the final image says enough.
A beautiful poem--the turn from the bamboo to the sky is lovely.
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Post by Gerry on Feb 12, 2019 23:48:45 GMT -5
Karen, I too send my sympathy your way; I know this has been a painful past few months, though I'm glad Blue pulled through for as long as he did.
I like this poem very much (though I first read KAH as the sound of the hawk!) I go back and forth regarding the verb construction of "isn't making" which feels simultaneously clumsy but also emphasizes a state of being. That said, I know the construction of the next sentence is clumsy. If you're "sure you heard" then you thought you heard something. "Sure you thought" seems redundant. With that in mind, though, I suggest changing "sure" to "certain."
Unlike some of the others I don't have problems with the title: the evidence is immaterial, but it is enough. I get it. Very zen-like.
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Post by Gerry on Feb 12, 2019 23:54:01 GMT -5
Oh, yes, and I love the "sylphs" in part because the word sounds so much like "self."
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