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Post by betsey on Feb 9, 2019 9:14:45 GMT -5
To Find A Better Self
After William Carlos Williams
A better self is a perfect spiral lofted over fifty yards of doubt artificial a scan of dog-eared playbooks. But, and? In the stands a flock of carping magpies demands better flight the ball hangs suspended - a miracle waiting to happen.
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Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44
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Post by Jimmy on Feb 10, 2019 17:01:09 GMT -5
Betsey, I really like this poem. You set up a fresh metaphor with the better self being like a perfectly thrown football. How sweet it feels to throw such a ball and how perfect it looks. Really clever how this moment is leaving all that doubt behind. I get lost a little with artificial. Maybe that signifies that the spiral will begin to wobble and that the better self was only found temporarily but it was not that clear to me. Magpies are a cool detail but I’d like to suggest you portray them with something more specific than “demands.” Maybe whatever they are doing physically (cawing for more?) might suggest demands. For me, the ending sets up the possibility that a wobbly ball might actually be the better self which is nice. If you can just make those few items a little more clear I think you’ll have a very good poem here. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by lildawnrae on Feb 10, 2019 20:53:02 GMT -5
Hi Betsey, You have a nice contrast/balance between the spiraling football and the carping magpies. My guess is the "better self" is like that perfect football spiral. It will never be perfect enough to satisfy the critics. And no surprise, the better self will not be perfect either.
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Post by bluebird on Feb 10, 2019 23:53:33 GMT -5
Betsey, I loved the image of a football spiraling towards the goal post (I assume) over artificial turf (that's how I interpreted it)....and the quick scan of the play book to me was like trying to refresh memory about rules and past "great plays"...and then if feels like those "magpies" are demanded a perfect score ...not even able to enjoy the glory of the spiraling foot ball itself...in motion...with time slowed down...who knows what might happen? "Magpies" was an image that didn't quite work for me though. Perhaps rethink why you chose that and if you can clarify that or maybe find another word. I saw your images clearly. Nice work.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Feb 11, 2019 16:08:40 GMT -5
Betsey, I really enjoyed that you had a go at the Williams poem without using nature imagery. As a sports dunce, I was misdirected by "playbooks" into thinking about theatre, but soon worked my way back to the football field. I wasn't sure you even need "But,and?" at all. The shift of perspective to "In the stands" suffices. "Suspended" "miracle" Happen" -- great line breaks. Very fun.
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Post by Gerry on Feb 13, 2019 22:36:47 GMT -5
Hi Betsey, lovely poem. I too get thrown (see what I did there!) by "artificial"--it could relate to the turf, or the sense that everything is staged, out of a playbook, so the better self is artificial. I don't think a poem has to be clear, mind you, but you might think about tightening it there.
The turn on the conjunctions doesn't work as effectively as it could. I almost wish it were more "so what?" Part of it is the inherent contradiction of "but" which is meant to be contrarian and "and" which is conjoining.
Still, this is a lovely poem: tight, interesting. The magpies are haunting. (That said, I think Jimmy is right about "demanding" though I might suggest a more football bleacher bum response to the throw...)
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