|
|
Post by betsey on Feb 2, 2019 13:22:53 GMT -5
We Hold the Gun
Zimbabwe, 2001
after Paul Lawrence Dunbar
We hold the gun to shock, to stun
to silence sell-outs like the one
we’ll nab inside his home tonight
break his arm to show our might.
His eyes may never see the sun.
The grave is dug; the coffin done.
Death waits for him, the worthless scum.
We’ll turn the screws, enjoy his plight.
We hold the gun.
We’ll scoop dirt in, prolong our fun
then strip the lid, the skirmish won,
and feast upon the face of fright
(such agony feeds our delight.)
He won’t forget this graveyard run.
We hold the gun.
|
|
linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
|
Post by linm on Feb 3, 2019 9:38:19 GMT -5
Hi Betsey,
An amazing rondeau! It's so technically tight! The refrain is bold. Like Dunbar's it's a persona poem in the first person plural, with assassins as the voice. The viciousness is amply dramatized! Just a few [picky] things to say: in the fifth line, "may" seemed to hedge; probably "will" would be better. In the sequence of events, in the last stanza, "the skirmish won," didn't fit, to me; this seems to be about what we now call a home invasion, not a "skirmish," and the scene at this point is in the graveyard.
Also, the guy is dead dead, "His eyes [will] never see the sun." Yet the last line poses that "He won't forget..." I think a stronger summing up is needed here, probably staying with the attitudes of the "we." Overall, it's hair-raising, and so wrenching that it dramatizes recent history.
|
|
Susan
New Member
Posts: 25
|
Post by Susan on Feb 6, 2019 8:03:19 GMT -5
Well done! You made the rondeau work. Now the hard part... going back in and asking "If this didn't have to be a rondeau, would this line/word/phrase work?" This works beautifully: We hold the gun to shock, to stun
to silence
This does not work as well:
we’ll nab inside his home tonight (nab seems awkward here. Do you mean we'll grab things in his house? We'll sneak into his house? It's not clear. The verb seems chosen for the line, not for its meaning)
break his arm to show our might. (showing our might sounds like something from a children's song)
I suggest going through the poem like this line by line. Still, I'm impressed that you tackled the form and made it work in many ways.
|
|
|
|
Post by Gerry on Feb 6, 2019 20:40:14 GMT -5
Betsey, this is terrific. You handle the rondeau with skill and grace. A few things. Line two of stanza two seems the easiest. I also wish one of the -un rhymes was a polysyllabic word. "undone," "begun," "overrun." Such rhymes help complicate the rhythm which can only help the poem. (You could also try "to silence sellouts like someone..."
I'm in agreement with Lin and Susan about some of the words: "nab" and "may" and "skirmish," the last seems too small for the feelings of this speaker. I accept that you don't want "battle" to avoid the cliche. "Nab" means what you want, but you need a harsher sounding word.
Well done.
|
|
|
|
Post by betsey on Feb 6, 2019 21:17:07 GMT -5
Thanks, all. Sadly, this was a true story I heard in Zimbabwe. They buried the guy alive, then dug him up, just for the fun of it. The form abets the terror, I think. I'll work on those lines, though, and like the idea of a few more complex rhymes.
|
|
