Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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Post by Jimmy on Jan 31, 2019 8:30:58 GMT -5
Soliloquy While Drinking Wine in the Tub
Ah, love, you know what’s best about us?
It’s when we’re warm, head buffeted from hard
porcelain by a squishy bath pillow with mildew
hidden in its suction cups. Heat loosens the
pores. Bubbles sparkle us from toe to chin,
growing like a quick fur of the gods. Those nights
there’s none but us and a maybe a good merlot
heating the breath — I love the warmth our flesh
provides. But when I’m toweling the tingly, sucked-
dry skin and catching a fog-mirrored glimpse of my
frazzled hair and hiccuping, we shiver until I pack you
into socks, plaid boxers and jeans. You’re really such a
fool for my love, drunken squeeze and easy touch.
I’m looking for someone else — you’re not enough.
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Susan
New Member
Posts: 25 
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Post by Susan on Jan 31, 2019 9:53:26 GMT -5
How nice to read about warmth on a frigid day (day two of no mail, no school, and now a warning from the gas company to turn down the thermostat to save energy after an explosion at a natural gas plant)
The opening - Ah love - is lovely. That direct address feels right in the steamy bathroom, in the tub, in the towel. But the ending (I’m looking for someone else — you’re not enough.) breaks the mood unnecessarily. You offer such evocative details - head buffeted, bubbles sparkle us - but others fall flat - squishy bath pillow doesn't work for me, though I like the suggestion of mildew hidden in its suction cups. There is something foggy and imperfect about this love, but I don't think you have to say so to close the poem. Also "I pack you" into the clothes seems off. I think you can find a better verb.
There is something so promising about this poem. I think you are close.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Feb 1, 2019 10:50:43 GMT -5
Hi Jim!
This poem is bold, also touching and kind of funny, definitely witty. The key is in the title: soliloquy. You’ve also got lots of great writing here. Strong verbs/ participles: “Heat loosens the pores. Bubbles sparkle us… ;" “heating the breath,” “I’m toweling”; “we shiver”; “I pack you”; “buffeted,”; “sucked-dry skin.” I do see a couple of adjectives that feel superfluous to me— “hard,” “squishy,” “quick.”
I love the bubbles being like the “fur of the gods.”
And the broken off sentence (“Those nights…” conveys such immediacy, such an “in the moment” vibe. The lines, “You’re really /such a fool for my love …” creates a strong turn (though “really” isn’t needed). Throughout, you are careful not to give away too much, and you keep the tone delicate. It’s a sonnet, also, a witty choice; the enjambment keeps it moving and feeling modern. Overall, great!
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Post by bluebird on Feb 1, 2019 13:27:49 GMT -5
Jimmy, I really enjoyed this...the bath with a glass of wine. I do that myself sometimes...re the pack into socks, plaid boxers and jeans...I
went here: hiding the wine bottle ... one's private "goodie" and comfort in a drawer of clothing but also, hiding all those desires we all have
for our sensual/sexual fantasies...at the end it feel to me as though, the look in the mirror brings you face to face with the reality, the fact,
that you have made choices and that, after all fantasies are enjoyed in naked privacy, it is the reality, the actual fact of chosen life, that you
most respect and seek . Anyway, that's what I took from your poem which I like very much.
The beginning that creates a scenario between you and your love kind of hearkens back to young love without responsibilities....but at the end of
the bath and fantasies/remembrances you confront them as something to be packed away (again) in favor of what you have as someone with ordinary
responsibilities and pleasures that include an "other". I like this poem very much Jimmy. I see so much growth in your work. I agree w/linm that
the line "fur of the gods" was just great!
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Post by betsey on Feb 3, 2019 12:46:15 GMT -5
Hi Jimmy,
This poem gets the "title of the course" award. Love it!!
Do you mean buffeted or buffered? I think it is the latter.
Mildew in suction cups - great detail and foreshadowing.
From lines 11 to the end I suggest you do a pronoun check. You shift from I to we to you and I loose the reference point. Easily cleaned up. Is she, for example, a fool for your love, or are you a fool for hers? Just curious.
The last line is terrific, jarring. It may be too sudden a surprise (though you have warned us). May be a way you could ease that transition.
I agree with Linda about the adjectives - you don't need tingly and sucked-dry - choose the second one!
Love the sonnet, just a few tweaks will help the turn.
Good!
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Post by betsey on Feb 3, 2019 12:48:00 GMT -5
Jost happened to think. Could you throw in a "but" to ease the transition?
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Post by lildawnrae on Feb 4, 2019 9:25:41 GMT -5
Hi Jimmy, I loved this poem, for sure. At first I thought the speaker was cuddling with another person, but I realized at last that the speaker was speaking to his own physical body. Lots of truth there--no one appreciates a warm bath like our own physical body. When I read the poem a second and a third time I could see "Soliloquy" should have been my first clue. Personally, I'm always a fool for a sonnet!
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Post by Gerry on Feb 5, 2019 20:52:18 GMT -5
Jimmy, I too like seeing the sonnet. It's a good form and you use it well. That said, to get that iambic pentameter you often have some extraneous adjectives, etc. It feels bloated at times. Still, it's funny reminiscent of Williams' Danse Russe (one of my favorite poems).
I get thrown by the pronoun shifts at the end, which is a shame because so much of the language is engaging and top notch particularly the bubble imagery.
Betsey, there is a "but" in there. The sonnet's form is used in this way: 8 lines of reverie in the tub, followed by what happens once he gets out. It's based on a "narrative" or temporal structure, but I like how that organizes the formal structure. That said, the last line feels abrupt. Sudden. In its logic, I'm saying.
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