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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 19, 2019 15:40:12 GMT -5
At the Golden Doughnut Shop
Praise to the God of pastries and work––
here at the Golden Doughnut Shop where
cinnamon sanding sugar sparkles like a
dream of pleasure on every morsel,
new and perfect, from maple glazed to custard.
Praise to Officer Jaxson who stops here
at 7:00 am to sweeten his morning, also all
honor to the mechanics, dry-wall specialists,
the guy from Belle Tires, and a woman who wears
a Starbucks uniform, name tag over her heart,
who wants a Boston cream blessing for herself,
before a day of frothing and coffee—and serving.
I wrote an earlier poem with the same title, but this is new--inspired by Hopkins, and also inspired by this workshop group. Thank you!
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Post by bluebird on Jan 20, 2019 11:15:59 GMT -5
I love the title and "praise" lavished on not just the doughnut blessing/communion
but on those who come to this early morning church...I can just smell those Boston
Creams....and you make the mood of those who get up and go to work early at less
perhaps than glamorous jobs...I think we've all been there one way or another...
so you've captured a kind of American universal. One question: Line 3, do you
want a comma after cinnamon to distinguish it as an addition to the "sanding sugar?"
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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 20, 2019 12:17:08 GMT -5
Thank you, Karen, and you've hit my problem here. It has to do with the nature of doughnuts. I love the sound of cinnamon sanding sugar (who wouldn't?) but it sounds as if every doughnut has that topping. Only the cinnamon flavored doughnuts do. So maybe that comma would be the perfect cup of coffee to go with all of these sweets. (true fact: doughnuts are one of the few sweets that don't call my name. I don't hate them, but I can live without them. This isn't true of cookies, for example.) Thanks again and have a pastry worthy day!
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Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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Post by Jimmy on Jan 20, 2019 12:29:31 GMT -5
My thought was to cut the word “on” and begin a new sentence after “pleasure.” Just another idea that would distinguish the donuts from each other. The other suggestion I have for you to think about is in the last line. Would it sound better to replace the first “and” with a comma so it reads “before a day of frothing, coffee—and serving”. I’ve read it a few times that way and am leaning toward liking the sound better. But, I quibble. From first read on through now several successive others I’ve loved this poem. Just the connection you capture so well among these who serve and how we all can be blessed by the simple pleasure of something like a donut. There is both a joy and a humility to it. My mother put herself through college (after I was born) by working the early morning shift at Mr. Donut. She got so disgusted with donuts that to this day she will not eat them. So, for me they also symbolize work and it’s hardships/rewards. You get away with the cop-donut stereotype here too. It works for me but I’m wondering if you had considered that in any way.
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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 20, 2019 12:48:54 GMT -5
Hey Jimmy, I was holding myself back! I actually considered an epigraph form Walk Like an Egyptian! Anyway, the police officers I bump into at Starbucks have assured me the stereotype is true. (not to say it belongs in a poem, though) Thank you for all your suggestions and comments!
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Post by betsey on Jan 20, 2019 20:29:39 GMT -5
Hey, Dawn, this can be a keeper.
A thought on the ending: ...day of froth and coffee -- at our service (??)
Also thought about moving the first line, adding some tension, starting with Here at Golden Doughnut...custard. Then interject the Praise to the God of pastries and work followed up immediately by a second Praise too... Just packs more of a wallop.
And I'd strike "all honor to." We are talking praise, here, and that it should stay. (humble opinion)
Praise be!
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Susan
New Member
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Post by Susan on Jan 20, 2019 20:41:43 GMT -5
How fun ... the doughnut shop as the universal meeting place, where a diverse group starts their day and then scatters.
This is my favorite image:
a woman who wears
a Starbucks uniform, name tag over her heart
Also the guy from Belle Tire. He seemed more real than Officer Jaxson, who, while probably a real person, sounded like a caricature with a name assigned.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Jan 21, 2019 0:40:13 GMT -5
Hi Dawn,
This is so enjoyable--am I the only one who got hungry reading it? I kind of agree with Betsey, about moving the first line--to group it with the other "praise" line. I think praising donuts, in the religious tone of "Praise to." is a hard way to begin; the praise for donuts (what they/ the donut shop represent: regular folks working and going to work fueled by a fast breakfast) needs to wait a bit until the poem gets going. I too like the part where you bring in the people--that second half is where the poem takes off. And the irony of a Starbucks barista stopping for a donut is great!
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Post by Gerry on Jan 24, 2019 17:08:45 GMT -5
Dawn, I love a good doughnut, and a good doughnut shop poem. This is a solid first draft, but I might suggest it needs to up the ante some. Bring in more doughnuts. One way to handle your love for "cinnamon sanding sugar" and my concerns about not needing "sugar" there might be something like this: cinnamon sanded, sugar blushed, others brushed/with frosting or glaze sparkling....
Try "pleasure dream" and perhaps "sweeten his beat"? I'm okay with the cop at the donut shop despite the cliche.
Do you need line two? It seem implicit in the title.
Consider the other senses--the smell of those donuts/that shop. And if they have any donuts with special names, I'd try to get them in there (or maybe give a few donuts special names yourself).
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