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Post by bluebird on Jan 18, 2019 1:49:51 GMT -5
Decided to just focus on a subject that caught my attention (like the mackerel) and see where it took me. I regard this as
and exercise and not a poem. Something to explore more.
Sakura Cherry Tree
Rice paper
splashed with red ink,
curtain of lace, bees wings;
water paled wine
pumped up from wells,
a Geisha's cheek, breast feather of
a downy bird, handfuls of
washed out jingle shells
held to the sun,
a May Fly cast to catch
a salmon's eye,
communion wafers thin,
a sinless infant's soul,
the snow, torrents of it
in June--
faded ribbons still fasened
to a baby's bonnet,
a little finger of flame
on a first birthday
candle, the breath of a toddler
blowing it's dancing out,
a wind of clouds, a sacred
shroud with faintest stains,
the silk hair of one who has lived
one hundred years, a newborn's
fingernails, oh yes, and beards
of Swedish Tompkin elves--
wedding cake frosting, blushes
of prom girls--
everything fragile and sugary
that crowns Our Lady's concrete statue
near an open door to sanctuary;
precisely folded wings of paper birds,
salt falling upon rice rising from water
and soil and
napkins at a picnic by the sea--
all this in waltz and dip and whirl time,
you, in bloom, remind me.
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Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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Post by Jimmy on Jan 18, 2019 19:10:14 GMT -5
Karen, such wonderfully vivid imagery! Isn’t this the most exciting part (at least the most fast-paced) when we are bursting out the possibilities? Something I’ve found with poems like this, I must find the structure or narrative thread that shows me how to choose from among the language and image gestures. So many directions to go with this. One idea might be to choose the image with most emotional connection for you and explore it further. Personally, the most vivid for me was “napkins at a picnic by the sea.” I can just see them blowing in the strong gusts.
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Post by bluebird on Jan 18, 2019 19:25:50 GMT -5
Thanks Jimmy, I'm going to explore that image...see where that goes. Maybe that's a next step,
exploring several of the images in more depth....maybe I'll find some new poems. K.
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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 19, 2019 15:51:39 GMT -5
I loved the cascade of images here. The tree isn't a literal tree but a kind of collage made from all the flashing images of red and white. If you're looking for more of a narrative, you could play with the order of the lines. The arc of life (baby to elderly) colors from pale to dark or dark to pale) This is just and idea, as I found the order here dynamic and very lovely. But it doesn't hurt to think of possible alternatives. I do think the poem is more than an exercise, and I hope you keep it with the keepers.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
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Post by linm on Jan 20, 2019 19:45:03 GMT -5
Hi Karen,
The way this begins, with an Asian image, and then shifts to other images that re-imagine the blossoms, was captivating. So many of the images are unique--the Geisha's cheek, a "May fly cast to catch/ a salmon's eye," a "little finger of flame/ on a first birthday," --a lot of richness here. One image I didn't get was the "Swedish Tompkin elves." The flow is smooth and the images light overall, suiting the topic; also, they are discrete, discontinuous, and thus seem surprising and light, not arguing towards a point, except for one section: from the "infant's soul" reference down to "a toddler/ blowing its dancing out," almost all the images center about babyhood, with one later reference to "a newborn's fingernails." The poem, especially how it ends (beautifully), doesn't seem to be about a child or infancy; it seems broader; so these baby/ toddler images weight down the flow of what had been a wonderful seemingly spontaneous drift of images. (though the flame image and the fingernail one are both lovely). You might consider pruning some of these. This poem does look to be a "keeper," as Dawn said!
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Post by betsey on Jan 20, 2019 20:16:33 GMT -5
I agree with our classmates, Karen. Lovely images, as light and soft as cherry blossoms. Loved the Geisha cheek, the surprise of snow in June, new born's fingernails. Wow.
I loved the idea of an arc from childhood to old age, but also the love interest at the end. There are times when we just float on the wind, and this poem carries us there.
Lovely to read and behold.
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Post by Gerry on Jan 24, 2019 16:59:02 GMT -5
Hi Karen--what a difference from the original. This cascade of images works nicely. On first reading, I had concerns about the Eucharist image because it works against the zen like opening. However, it connects to the statue of the virgin at the end, and so it helps hold the poem together. That said, the elves (and so particular--I got caught up on what, exactly, Swedish Thompson elves are), on the other hand are a curveball, and in the end don't work.
Speaking of ends, would you consider ending on the napkins image? Jimmy is right to not the strength of that image. The last two lines seem to tell me what has already been brought to life. And although I appreciate perhaps wanting to close the poem with the end rhyme (sea/me), the poem is so alive with sounds and sound play, that the closing rhyme isn't "necessary." It's something to consider.
I like how the long narrow poem resembles the willowy nature of the cherry tree. With that in mind, be wary of the lines getting bloated in the last third.
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