Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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Clouds
Jan 17, 2019 22:38:58 GMT -5
Post by Jimmy on Jan 17, 2019 22:38:58 GMT -5
Clouds
like continents loosed from borders drift
over mountains and rivers, independent
of ancient hates —
yet they graze, herd and stragglers all,
through the open ridge-top gate, as if
on a revolving wheel. Their moods
a repertoire of rain and yielding.
Colors shift from bedsheet white
to battleship gray.
Last night a blanched skein stretched our space,
all arms absorbed under a domed
snow sky. I woke cool and empty from love
this morning as sun bleared our window,
clouds blasted to scrap
remains. How will I see these bodies
again except changed?
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Clouds
Jan 18, 2019 1:35:46 GMT -5
Post by bluebird on Jan 18, 2019 1:35:46 GMT -5
I like this very much Jimmy. I see the clouds as another world in the sky
sometimes and you capture this ... and I love the phrase "independent of
ancient hates" because to me those cloud realms are more glorious than
the realms of our embattled earth....I also love the transition from the
sky world to the human bed...how our human lives learn from the ephemeral...
love colors shifting from bedsheet white to battleship gray. I follow
the shift from reverie to memory of "last night" and the sense that at
morning, all is a new opportunity.
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Clouds
Jan 20, 2019 13:10:38 GMT -5
Post by lildawnrae on Jan 20, 2019 13:10:38 GMT -5
Wow, Jimmy, I loved the sweep of the cloud action here. I have a real sense of a specific human observer watching the clouds move over the landscape. My only suggestion is to tie the cloud images to a particular time and place. I'd like to know the name of the mountain or mountain range and the name of the river. I'm not sure about the tense shift at the end. But what images and words: "bedsheet white" rain and "yielding" all about clouds and clearly about love, sex and change.
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Clouds
Jan 20, 2019 17:26:21 GMT -5
Post by betsey on Jan 20, 2019 17:26:21 GMT -5
Hi Jimmy,
I too liked the cloud metaphors - continents, cattle.
You lose me with "clouds beaten to scrap remain." Huh? All a bit too vague. I agree with Dawn that some more specifics would help.
Nice flow in the spirit of our two poems.
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Susan
New Member
Posts: 25 
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Clouds
Jan 20, 2019 18:52:10 GMT -5
Post by Susan on Jan 20, 2019 18:52:10 GMT -5
I like the opening line. The title does its work. For revision/experimentation, what if Clouds was the first line? What would the title be?
Clouds
like continents loosed from borders
These lines are too predictable:
independent
of ancient hates —
bedsheet white
to battleship gray.
on a revolving wheel
"Ancient hates" is too easy
I like" bedsheet white," because it conjures beds and a brightness (like bedsheets in a commercial, windows wide open, curtains caught in a breeze). "battleship gray," however is a cliche. I appreciate the contrast of bed and battle, but I think you can do better.
Wheels revolve. Calling it a revolving wheel doesn't add anything.
Lots of potential here. Keep going.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Clouds
Jan 20, 2019 20:02:10 GMT -5
Post by linm on Jan 20, 2019 20:02:10 GMT -5
Hi Jim,
I found this so intriguing and subtle. I see two sections, the first speaking in a timeless moment, about all the shapes and "repetoires" of clouds (love that idea). "Last night" introduces a particular moment, when it seems there has been a cloud cover, a domed snowy sky. This sets up a background for the speaker to appear and clarify his situation. The idea of waking cool and empty is intriguing; coolness might connect to the overcast snow clouds. "Empty from love," suggests either/both loneliness /exhaustion; "our window" also hints at a lover. I agree "clouds blasted to scrap/ remains" is opaque, and it doesn't expand or advance the speaker's situation. But the last sentence, a question, is lovely. The bodies are the clouds, but perhaps also, lovers. It just feels like there's a clue or two missing before the last lines. This is really close! Great to read it.
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Clouds
Jan 24, 2019 16:40:53 GMT -5
Post by Gerry on Jan 24, 2019 16:40:53 GMT -5
Jimmy, Much to admire about this poem; reminiscent, a bit, of The Cloud, by Shelley. I like Susan's suggestion of making the title the first line, and I wonder, too, if perhaps giving less uniformity to form might make it more cloudlike.
Battleship gray is of course cliche' Armada great might work. I might also suggest flipping "bedsheet white" to "white bedsheet." I wouldn't want to lose "bedsheet" because it sets up the ending. That said, when you wake up after going to sleep "last night" we don't need to be told "this morning."
I like ending on a question. It's always a risk, to end the poem on a question, but here the change in the speaker is a reflection of the changed clouds. We know the answer while simultaneously pausing to puzzle over it. Nicely done.
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