linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
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Post by linm on Jan 16, 2016 11:00:25 GMT -5
Calhoun High
Girls clot the bathroom near
sophomore art. It’s muggy with mock-
outs and hair spray inside. Arms
swan over shags, back-comb
furiously before the bell.
My half-cousin Gale makes
like a stranger, knocks
ashes in the farthest sink.
Racoon eyes conspire.
Christa, once queen of
hopscotch, flicks
her blond forelock, digs
Wrigley’s to share from her
bucket bag. Smoke
escapes the window slit.
I’ve wraithed myself in, a stain
about to blot. My nickel dropped, I click
the wheel, box myself
in with pad and pins. A body
slouches hard against my door.
“'..two paths divided,' meh
meh meh . . . “ someone mews.
“I hate that stuff!“ Hooting
ensues.
I unlock, they step
away. They spray Adorn
like Flit across my wake.
At final bell they stream
up Schermerhorn abreast
and hang at the corner near
our block. I breathe out
hard and sidewalk myself
on the edge of their
clog. My back is turtled, my
book spines turned in, I’m keeping
the Oxford Poets
incognito in my arms.
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Denise
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by Denise on Jan 16, 2016 16:14:32 GMT -5
I can see this scene so clearly from your vivid description and terrific use of concrete imagery. I may be from a different generation, because I wasn't sure of a few things, like "mock outs" and "Flit". The emotional landscape of the viewpoint character seems so suffocated - from what is floating in the air (hair spray and smoke), as well as the menacing unfriendliness from the other people. I wasn't sure the ending worked as you perhaps intended and the use of "meh" feels too modern to my ear. Beyond that, you have aptly sketched a challenging moment in time.
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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 16, 2016 18:53:14 GMT -5
I loved this poem's sounds and rhythms including the rhymed couplet in the stanza about Frost! I think the blood imagery is perfect--the speaker is such an outsider here. Unlike the narrator in Alison Joseph's poem, the narrator doesn't get any group courage from her former friends and cousin. Instead she protects her book of poetry, and protects her body by "turtling." What a terrific verb. The topic is Joseph, but the style is reminds me more of Hopkins.
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Post by janeldb on Jan 17, 2016 10:39:29 GMT -5
I'm struck by the details and by the verbs: swan, wraithed, turtled (as Dawn mentioned), sidewalk, mews. Strong images!
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Jan 17, 2016 12:19:04 GMT -5
Denise, Yeah, you got me on the generation thing! --"mock-outs" are what we called a joking claim of something not true or far-fetched and then yelling "mock-out" when the others responded with belief (kind of a tortured explanation). I looked it up in slang dictionaries, and one says it means "to imitate," and another "to tease"; it's sort of a combination of those. As for "Flit," it was a bug spray. I think you might be right about "Meh," -- sigh, it's hard to replace.
Thanks Denise, also Jane B and Dawn!
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Post by sherry on Jan 17, 2016 20:08:54 GMT -5
For some reason this poem connected with so many different things this week: the stream of girls that happens every episode of Doc Martin (in Cornwall - clearly it's universal), the Frost - which I am singing with my chorale, and the picture of teenaged "Zombie "girls in the Impossible Knife of Memory, the book my book club just discussed today. So, I have to love your poem. I love all the details that paint a compelling picture throughout - Clot and hopscotch, Adorn/FLit, abreast being just a few.
I don't read other's comments before I post my own, so I don't know if anyone else has said that there is such a rich preponderance of details that it might be like a heavy meal - too much of a good thing, and that the poem might get stronger with some paring down. Also, I think that if the ending is to have punch it might be good to have some suggestion earlier that along with being disdainful as any teen our narrator earns her Oxford Poets reference.
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Post by Gerry on Jan 18, 2016 10:59:31 GMT -5
Lin, This is an incredibly strong poem on almost every front--it's got a relatable narrative, it's sonic-ly alive, its images are engaging, and it's lyrical impulse is spot on. Attachments:Lin 2.pdf (37.95 KB)
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Post by bridgettearlee on Jan 18, 2016 11:28:19 GMT -5
I applaud you for mimicking the Hopkins piece! And you did it well. The images here don't get lost in the linguistic acrobatics the way Hopkins nearly does. The opening images of the girls in the bathroom were really amusing and clear (back comb furiously). My favorite section sonic-ly is the second stanza, all the hard c and K sounds against the s's and closing withe the g sounds. The weakest part for me was the quoted lines, they just seemed to trip the rhythm a little and didn't sound as strong as the other stanzas. Nicely done  |
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Post by kitzak on Jan 18, 2016 12:12:02 GMT -5
The monosyllabic verbs and the hard "K" final consonant sounds add to the tone. The girls are fearsome and the narrator is the thoughtful outsider. Great line breaks too.
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