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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 15, 2016 20:21:28 GMT -5
We Miss You, Nonie,
your pleasure in small successes–
paid job, finches at the bird feeder,
new kitten, letter to the editor. You
cheered for eight of us born perfect,
but marked for bad luck or bad dad,
who never got it right. At the market
we didn’t buy a white and purple
orchid for you, and we won’t bake
an Orange Kiss-Me Cake for you
–one orange to serve ten people.
We are all unemployed, no tasks
left to do for you, nothing you need.
We have no plans, no shopping lists.
No one to show the gold stars lined
up, or the dreadful report of mean
bosses or unfair bill collectors. We
keep reaching for the phone. No,
it can’t work. You’re not answering.
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Denise
Junior Member
Posts: 54 
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Post by Denise on Jan 16, 2016 16:34:23 GMT -5
I am not quite sure how to respond to this. I believe I am reading about a deceased relative, likely a grandmother or beloved aunt. There seems to be disappointment that she is no longer there to receive gifts or calls accompanied by gratitude for her taking pleasure in even the smallest item of good news from the speaker.
Some of the images are clear and crisp (the orchid) while some were confusing (one orange to serve ten people -- I realize this is a reference to the 1950s cake recipe, but is it also supposed to do double duty as an example of hardship?) I wonder if the gold stars of childhood belong so close to the unfair bosses, same with the opening list of accomplishments that include both youthful and mature items.
The poem delivers a sense of the importance of this person in the memories of the speaker and the bitter nostalgia that comes in at the end is very sad. It is packed so tightly together on the page, as if all the feelings being expressed were muddled together in a single moment of looking back and standing still.
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Post by janeldb on Jan 17, 2016 10:46:49 GMT -5
After reading Denise's comments, I have a better idea how to read this poem, but I'm left with lots of questions. What I feel by the end is sadness, loss, grief.
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Post by sherry on Jan 17, 2016 12:14:09 GMT -5
There is such universality in the picture of a beloved figure's loss - in this case I assume grandmother. I like the use of the title as first line, but I also wondered if it gives too much away at the start and doesn't let the reader discover the "missing" herself.
The details in who Nona was make her real and the affect it has on the "we"/ the eight is too. And the repetition of the word "No" almost works as a refrain. I did stumble over the Orange Kiss Me Cake - and the orange split ten ways. Is there a way to make that clearer to the reader?
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Jan 17, 2016 12:37:16 GMT -5
Dawn, This moves from a sentimental title into a revelation of such meager emotional and economic resources; even the blocky shape makes the poem feel heavy and hopeless. That the end of Nonie's praise for small gains and her easily satisfied needs is so devastating is an original perspective on this struggling family. There are a couple of places where I think word choice throws off the reader; line about being "marked" suggests the people are "fated," when I think you mean that they have poor odds due to entrenched family issues that affect them. The idea of some outside agent "marking" them pulled me out of the smallness of the scene. The "one orange" line also seemed unnecessary and unclear--but I loved the name of the cake (though I don't know what it exactly refers to). There is such poignancy in the unemployed people finding usefulness in the small things they could do for her, and the final lines convey their despair in a heartbreaking way.
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Post by Gerry on Jan 17, 2016 15:48:51 GMT -5
Dawn, strong poem here, though I'm not a fan of the title. It risks more than it offers for you as a poet. Attachments:Dawn 2.pdf (33.25 KB)
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Post by bridgettearlee on Jan 18, 2016 12:03:39 GMT -5
This piece opens with the appearance of a poem about grief, when really its strength comes from having become disappointments to the deceased. There is an underlying regret here that the one person who would have celebrated every child and grandchild's meager or monumental achievements is gone, and the achievements seem lacking and empty. To lose the one cheerleader in a family struggling for work, for structure (bad dads), that's where we feel the speaker's loss. I think if you keep that in your focus while doing your edits the poem will continue to evolve into an emotional punch.
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