Denise
Junior Member
Posts: 54 
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Post by Denise on Jan 15, 2016 8:44:04 GMT -5
Surviving Adolescence
At fourteen
I wanted to be told
I was beautiful,
even though I wasn’t.
My eyes were tiny
too close together
eyelashes invisible.
At fourteen
my brothers told me
not to fall in a well
or it would pump ugly
all week.
At twenty-four
I hate to be told
I am beautiful
because I know
it isn’t true.
He only tells me
when he wants
something
breakfast or sex.
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Post by janeldb on Jan 15, 2016 11:57:45 GMT -5
Oh, the tone you capture. Bitter. Angry. Sad. And the ironic title you have given this poem. The saddest lines: "becuase I know/it isn't true." Sometimes it is as if adolescence never ends. Your images are powerful.
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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 15, 2016 20:34:51 GMT -5
Denise, you've boiled down a word portrait of a very unhappy young woman. Each detail is an entire novel in a few words. It's unforgettable.
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Post by kitzak on Jan 16, 2016 7:00:32 GMT -5
The brevity and short lines give this poem great punch. Like the confessional line as well as the way you use your age to move poem forward.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Jan 16, 2016 11:13:06 GMT -5
The title becomes ironic once you've read the poem: has this speaker really "survived" adolescence? -- or maybe the issue is that just "surviving" it is what she has done; She can't move on from the damage done to her in her youth.
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Post by Gerry on Jan 16, 2016 22:38:08 GMT -5
Denise, there's much to admire about this poem: it's a well constructed and "tight" poem, but I do think you can do a few things to make it even stronger. Attachments:Denise 2.pdf (29 KB)
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Post by sherry on Jan 17, 2016 20:18:43 GMT -5
You have to love the combination of breakfast and sex in the last line - a first for me. And I really like that that is where the poem ends up. And the well of ugly is just terrific. Are we supposed to think that the narrator is now 24. as the verb is in the present. Would stanza break there enhance that feeling? Two lines seemed gratuitous "even though I wasn't" and "too close together". I know they are meant to intensify the sense of how the narrator sees herself . Just a thought
Do our brothers ever think we are anything nut ugly,. For that matter do we when we are young!?
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Post by bridgettearlee on Jan 18, 2016 11:20:51 GMT -5
I like that this piece moves from the desire to be told you're beautiful, and then when it finally comes the speaker no longer believes it could be true. It's a sad reflection of womanhood that so many of us "survive adolescence" having lost the belief in our own beauty or mistrust declarations of affection as merely a means to an end (breakfast or sex). I like that you moved past the original piece in time, to look at what happens to a girl who sort of fails to find her own self worth. I think you could eliminate the opening line and start with "I wanted to be told I was beautiful" because then we dive into the tension of the poem. We already know we're dealing with adolescence and you repeat the line farther down. Some play with line breaks could offer you some stronger individual lines. For instance, this section could go like this: At fourteen my brothers told me not to fall in a well or it would pump ugly all week. By moving it around a little you get "pump ugly all week" on one line which I think stands out more harshly. Also with "told me not to fall" on its own it misleads the reader into thinking the brothers are being protective when really they are insulting/mocking. Just an idea! Nice piece  |
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