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Post by janeldb on Jan 14, 2016 21:10:25 GMT -5
Adolescence
Boys in my class
are camping near my house.
My mother will ground me
if I go see them.
Once in the magic hour
my friends and I turned
a forest clearing
into a cathedral:
Guffy played a priest
who married Jeff and me.
Today the boys are just
up the gravel road.
Alma and I want
to go see them.
We style each others' hair,
giggle, rouge our cheeks,
sneak past the sentinel hollyhocks
and my dog rolling in the reek
of rotting groundhogs,
past the orchard of bitter apples
and corn pollen flying.
The mushy swamp betrays
our feet. We cannot find
the boys even though they
drew us a map.
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Denise
Junior Member
Posts: 54 
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Post by Denise on Jan 15, 2016 8:46:50 GMT -5
well done! I love the final line and the clever image of a map. You've done a nice job of imitation, echoing her structure and underlying theme. You have added such lovely textures, with sounds and smells and imagery.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92
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Post by linm on Jan 16, 2016 11:07:54 GMT -5
The unpredictable end is delightful and so apt to how things so often play out in "real life." On further readings I see have things start to go wrong after the "sentinel hollyhocks" (great image), where the forest is far from a "cathedral," and instead offers the girls all the discomforts of nature in the raw. They start out with a kind of fairy tale about the boys and end up confused in the muck.
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Post by lildawnrae on Jan 16, 2016 18:29:19 GMT -5
So many ways of anointing and being anointed in this poem--pollen, mud for the dog, rouge for the girls. the pollen is a great detail. The boys drew a map! I love it. The girls still couldn't find them. The poem (complete with bitter apples) almost seems a modern myth of a pre-awakening of real sexuality, a time when giggling about boys was better than finding them.
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Post by sherry on Jan 17, 2016 20:31:05 GMT -5
Boys "in my class" what a great double meaning. Lots of strong language all through this poem. "sentinel hollyhocks" instead of parents. Rotting groundhogs with the suggestion of "rutting". Good sounds and line breaks, and great ending on the map. In the end, I wondered if the second half of the poem might be too heavy with details - maybe one less - they are all good, but I felt a bit overwhelmed. A new title?
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Post by bridgettearlee on Jan 18, 2016 11:36:28 GMT -5
This is a fun peek into the excitement of sneaking out to see some boys while the speaker and friend are still young enough that their antics are quite innocent even though they feel dangerous. I think you could open with "Today the boys are camping just up the gravel road" and eliminate the opening lines you currently have. That line feels like it's telling me more, and I can infer that just up the gravel road is nearby the speaker's home. I like the names you've chosen, Guffy and Jeff both with the strong F sounds and are very distinctly male while Alma is a soft, feminine name. I also like that you placed the speakers at the end sort of lost, searching for these boys and unable to find them. Thanks for a fun poem  |
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Post by Gerry on Jan 19, 2016 10:03:33 GMT -5
I, too, am all about the "sentinel hollyhocks" and the dog with the groundhogs--I think the poem gets better as it goes along. What I like about the pollen, by the way is it's relation to plant sexuality. I just wish we were a bit more inside the speaker's head, too. Attachments:Jane B2.pdf (31.42 KB)
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Post by janeldb on Jan 19, 2016 16:49:15 GMT -5
What a memory you have! The earlier version was certainly not fully cooked, and this one isn't either, but the Joseph poem was helpful. Your comments all hit home, and I will simmer this one for awhile.
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