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Post by bluebird on Feb 1, 2019 13:10:27 GMT -5
Can We Survive?
Can we survive this wandering sneak
of steam that slinks complete
as any clothier could disguise him--
dressed in red fur, black at the hem
with foxy grace cold darkness trailing?
Admirers in vests that reek
of old blood, of gristle spoiled, seek
him out, sniff the trail his long tail scratched
in snow. Can we survive them?
The greedy, no longer needing to inherit and never meek,
have mastered fox like stealth. They rouge their cheeks,
proffer them coyly for sycophants to kiss,
while we hold up our fists or palms on tensile strength wrists
and swear we will not freaking leak our souls that seek
to survive them!
KAH
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Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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Post by Jimmy on Feb 2, 2019 13:23:41 GMT -5
Karen, nice job with the rondeau! You are more brave than I. To me, this poem is about the 1 vs. a 99% which includes the artists as subset directly addressed in the third stanza. Satan and his hounds seem to populate the poem until its last three lines. I guess you could insert whatever villain you wish into that sleeve (a particularly obvious one comes to mind). I will tell you, I like this poem a whole lot more after I decided that steam was a metaphor. Until then, I just couldn’t get it. Which is to say, you might make that a little more clear. Something like this for line 2 maybe: “who slinks like steam, complete.” Overall I think this is a very fine achievement.
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linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
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Post by linm on Feb 3, 2019 8:34:55 GMT -5
Hi Karen,
Your rondeau is just packed with good stuff. I especially like the variations on the refrain. You also use a lot of enjambment that keeps it flowing through the pattern of rhymes. The image of the steam slinking around the devil (my interpretation) is reflected in the sinuousness of your sentences. I also felt the influence of Hopkins in the density of images and surprising spondees. In a couple of places, your word choice doesn't quite hit it (for me): "tinsel strength" w; "freaking leak". Great job!
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Post by betsey on Feb 3, 2019 12:13:49 GMT -5
Hi Karen,
A lot of potential here. Once you decide to go the Rondeau, however, you are locked into specific rhymes and meter. You seem to have chosen four beats to the measure, but that breaks down in the last stanza. Maybe this is by choice, underscoring the craziness of our particular fox, but the impact of the poem as a form poem diminishes. So in stanza 1 you need a last line that rhymes with sneak - 'Neat?" Trailing leaves us, well, trailing.
Same with the last line of stanza 2 - you need a rhyming word with seek (or sneak) - just the demands of the form. And, the third stanza just loses the rhythm you set up pretty well in the first two. Perhaps instead of "while we hold up our fists or palms on tinsel strength wrists" you might try "while we raise our fists on tinsel wrists"
In any case live by the form, die by the form.
I think the subject is good - how do we survive? And it is fun to go through the exercise.
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Post by lildawnrae on Feb 4, 2019 9:39:18 GMT -5
Hello Karen, I loved your poem about survival and the obstacles greedy people present to survival, The sly fox as a metaphor is strong: trimmed in fur, trailing darkness. I know this predator. However, I didn't know the fox was an image of the president or the symbol of greedy tycoons until the third stanza. Once I had that in place, I read from the top one more time, and boom, it made perfect sense. I wonder if bringing in the word "greedy" earlier might lend more power to this already powerful poem. Power to the People! (Personal flashback to 1972)
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Post by lildawnrae on Feb 4, 2019 20:00:15 GMT -5
Hello poets, who's here tonight?
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Post by Gerry on Feb 5, 2019 21:28:52 GMT -5
Karen, this poem is a lot of fun, the form breaks apart in the last stanza particularly (the length of those lines!). There's a bit of Hopkins in it, but because that hasn't been established earlier (at least to this extreme) it comes off as a falling apart of the form, not deliberate. The place where it really stands out in lines 4 and 5 of that final stanza. "tensile strength wrists" is awkward and pulled me out of the poem as I tried to figure out what that meant. Then in line 5, all those eak/eek sounds are hard on the ear. More, I was confused by the meaning.
I think the poem is close to being done, mind you; the first two stanzas are very strong, even with their looseness with the form--it just gives the rondeau a 21st century feel. That third stanza, though...it needs work.
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Susan
New Member
Posts: 25
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Post by Susan on Feb 6, 2019 7:54:41 GMT -5
I love "sneak / of steam"
Impressive use of the form.
I know this serves the form, but the line "Can we survive them?" doesn't seem necessary to me. The sentiment is apparent already. These greedy people pose a danger, and the title already asks that question.
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