linm
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
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face
Feb 1, 2019 10:01:47 GMT -5
Post by linm on Feb 1, 2019 10:01:47 GMT -5
face
you look forward to your
own face but see backwards
360, the world around your
shoulders like a cape.
before you the creature
yourself, you put your hands
to its cheeks, the jaw
bone, and the touch
is yours, finger tips
on skin, the cool
pads of a dog, the weak
claws just small
bites, flesh
unbroken.
you go out: you look
through the eyeholes seeing
everything seeing you.
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face
Feb 1, 2019 13:38:53 GMT -5
Post by bluebird on Feb 1, 2019 13:38:53 GMT -5
HI Linm, I like the idea of looking forward and seeing what's behind. Wonder if maybe "a cape" is
too easy...maybe explore that a little more?
I like the idea of seeing ones own creature (animal) self...we so often forget that
I didn't quite go with the transition to "pads of a dog...so think maybe need a transition to the
animal section and perhaps recognition of the self as that too, that animal self.
I love the last 3 lines but not sure they belong in this poem?
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Jimmy
New Member
Posts: 44 
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face
Feb 2, 2019 13:06:16 GMT -5
Post by Jimmy on Feb 2, 2019 13:06:16 GMT -5
Lin, this is really neat. I absolutely love the cape metaphor. I think it would be lots of fun to take that further. In the second stanza, the word eyeholes really conjures for me the idea of body as costume. With that said, this poem for me brings to mind maybe super heros. Maybe everyone you see has his or her own powers? The speaker has gathered hers while looking in the mirror perhaps, sort of girded up to face the world so to speak. Really we all have to do that I guess - maybe what we see others projecting is really the super power they’ve created for their character or something. I don’t know. For me that’s where I see this poem going and I don’t at all mean to suggest you should take it to the same place. What I mean is it has such a promising beginning and I think you could really take it somewhere exciting that is your own. I did not see how the dog part of stanza one fit into the poem exactly. I hope this helps!
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face
Feb 3, 2019 12:28:46 GMT -5
Post by betsey on Feb 3, 2019 12:28:46 GMT -5
This is a cool poem, Linda, complex and thoughtful. The last stanza is particularly amazing, wow.
A few places I get confused. When you say backwards/360 you are leaping, but I am thinking 180 (backward)
The circular cloak is good, though. Perhaps "The world around you, 360/shoulders like a cloak."
Perhaps try the whole poem in first person? You is oddly distancing.
I thought perhaps "About Face" as a title. This would capture the odd turns of the poem.
A nitpick - "a creature" instead of "the creature"? Makes it more universal. Also perhaps try "nips" instead of "bites"? Then the unbroken skin makes more sense.
Really enjoyed your poem.
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face
Feb 4, 2019 8:54:20 GMT -5
Post by bluebird on Feb 4, 2019 8:54:20 GMT -5
Linm...after reading Jimmy and Betsey's responses I see I really missed the boat on this one...yes,
now I see that cape is just right (as costume and as swirl) and that looking though the eye holes of
a mask is well done...K.
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face
Feb 4, 2019 9:15:50 GMT -5
Post by lildawnrae on Feb 4, 2019 9:15:50 GMT -5
Lin, I love the imagination here and the gorgeous language. "the world around your/ shoulders like a cape." The speaker sees herself as a creature, maybe a dog, but she also feels the creature as if she had a dog's shape and senses. Without saying the word mask, you make the reader experience what looking through a mask feels like. That's a lot of transformation in a compact space.
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Susan
New Member
Posts: 25
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face
Feb 6, 2019 7:58:43 GMT -5
Post by Susan on Feb 6, 2019 7:58:43 GMT -5
I agree that the cape is powerful and important. I think you can make an even stronger statement by cutting some of the references to "you." Lines like these are a tangle:
before you the creature
yourself, you put your hands
to its cheeks,
Is the "you" the creature as well? Is there a 'you" or is this a lapse into second person when first person would be more effective?
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face
Feb 6, 2019 21:02:15 GMT -5
Post by Gerry on Feb 6, 2019 21:02:15 GMT -5
Lin, first things first. 360 is a full circle. 180 is what you need to look behind you.
One of the things all of you should consider is the placement of your similes in a sentence. Does our reading of "like a cape" feel problematic because it happens after "around your shoulders"? Consider: "...the world like a cape/around your shoulders." This syntax makes us curious HOW the world is like a cape.
This moment: "the creature/yourself"--is great. Suddenly the you is a bit of a werewolf, which I find curious. I might play this up a bit more.
Is there a disconnect between the cape (which we generally associate with superheroes and magicians) and more monstrous creature (very Jeckyll and Hyde here, perhaps?) or is it deliberate--we all have that duality in us. Thoughts everyone?
The last three lines are terrific. Good stanza break before that.
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